When You Love Someone; You Let Them Choose You Why Not Chasing Can Be the Truest Form of Love, Rant Of The Day Blog Article Written By Jenn D Real December 21, 2025

When You Love Someone; You Let Them Choose You

Why Not Chasing Can Be the Truest Form of Love; Rant Of The Day Blog Article Written By Jenn D Real December 21,2025

We have been taught a lie about love.

In movies and novels—the stories that raised us—the person who loves the hardest is the one sprinting through airport terminals, shouting across the rain, climbing into someone’s life to pull them back. We are told that pursuit is proof. That real love is relentless. That someone turning away is simply a cue to chase harder.

But in the real world?

That belief falls apart almost immediately.

I learned young that love isn’t a hunt. I am not here to drag someone back into closeness they walked away from. I don’t chase—not because I don’t care, not because I’m cold, not because I’ve shut the door—but because I love in a way that leaves people free.

This confuses some people. There’s still a strange myth floating around that choosing not to chase means you never really cared in the first place. But to me, not chasing is one of the clearest expressions of care there is.

Before I explain why, it’s worth looking at the runner–chaser dynamic itself.

The Runner–Chaser Pattern

The runner–chaser dynamic shows up in countless relationships. One person feels closeness building, or conflict rising, or identity shifting—and they pull away. The other reaches toward them, fearing loss or abandonment, and pursues. The more one pulls back, the more the other leans in. Two nervous systems set like magnets in opposition.

Psychologists often describe this pattern in terms of attachment styles:

• Chasers tend to fear distance. 

Their nervous system says, “If you leave, I’m not safe.”

• Runners tend to fear engulfment. 

Their nervous system says, “If I stay, I’m not free.”

Neither instinct makes one person right or wrong. Both are attempts to protect the self.

But once a chase begins, real intimacy stops.

A chaser isn’t loving—they’re negotiating.

A runner isn’t choosing—they’re escaping.

And the relationship becomes less about connection and more about tension management.

That’s why I stepped off that track.

Here’s the thing: I’ve lived this dynamic before. I’ve been the one someone walked away from—and I remember the moment I realized I wasn’t going to chase. Not because I didn’t love them, but because every step toward them felt like a step away from myself. I stood still, heart pounding, unsure. And when the ache settled, I discovered something unexpected: self-respect has a pulse. It grows quieter only when you smother it. I didn’t want a relationship I had to run after. I wanted one that would walk toward me too and I loved my runner enough to know that I want him happy no matter what he decided to do. Key word what he decided. He is is own person, free to do as he wishes. I respected his decision, wishing only for both of our happiness and no one can truly be happy in a forced relationship. I only wanted to be with him if he met me in the middle because he choose to.

And I’m not alone in that truth.

According to psychologists like Dr. Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and Dr. Amir Levine (Attachment Theory), secure relationships aren’t built through pursuit. They’re built through mutual approach—two nervous systems moving toward each other at the same depth and speed. Research consistently shows that autonomy and emotional safety increase bonding, while pressure and pursuit decrease it. In other words: chasing activates fear and distance. Respect activates trust and closeness.

Why I Don’t Chase

When someone steps away, I don’t chase.

Not because love is gone.

But because:

1.) I respect their sovereignty.

Every person belongs to themselves. If someone needs distance, I honor that without grabbing at their heels. Respect and possession cannot coexist.

2.) I believe love must be chosen freely.

If someone wants me, I want them to walk toward me—not backwards, not pressured, not persuaded. Not chasing protects that freedom. Relationship researchers call this autonomous love—connection rooted in choice rather than fear, habit, or guilt. Forcing someone to stay with you is not love, and frankly how could someone stay in a relationship knowing their "Love" would rather be somewhere else or with someone else? To me that is not love that is a tragedy, and doomed to end as so.

3.) I want them happy, even if I’m not in the picture.

A relationship isn’t proof of value. Their happiness isn’t a threat. Letting someone go in peace is one of the purest forms of care. I love you enough that I rather you be happy even if I am don't get what I want is essentially sacrifice and the purest form of love. 

4.) I have self-respect.

Chasing someone who has turned away demands you shrink. Twist. Bend. Disappear. Love should not require self-erasure. I know I have worth and value. So I won't minimize myself for another. That would make me less valuable and more doormat. 

5.) I don’t equate love with possession.

Possession is fear wearing devotion’s clothing.

There is a quiet, steady truth here:

When someone leaves my life, if they return, it won’t be because I pulled them back by the collar—it will be because they chose to.

Not chasing is not abandonment.

It is acceptance.

It is clarity.

It is dignity.

Some people love loudly—with pursuit and insistence.

I love differently.

My love stands instead of runs.

It listens instead of clings.

It invites instead of demands.

And if someone is meant to stay, they will stand beside me by choice—not because I chased them down but because they choose to be.

That is the love I offer.

And that is the love I allow in return.

If love is real, it arrives freely. It doesn’t need to be cornered or captured. It doesn’t require urgency or fear. It walks beside you because it chooses to—not because you begged for it.
That truth changed my life.
And it softened the world.

Questions for You:

Where have you mistaken fear for love?
Have you ever chased someone you cared about? How did it feel inside your body?
What would change if you believed you deserve to be chosen freely, not pursued conditionally? 

Written by Jenn D. Real — artist, poet, writer, and explorer of the emotional wild. Jenn writes about love, trauma, healing, and human connection from lived experience and deep reflection. Her work is rooted in sovereignty, honesty, and the belief that love without force is love at its highest form.